Happy Birthday Triplets!

I can't believe it's been one year already since the triplets were born! I will always remember that day and how amazing it truly was. A lot has happened since that day, its been a blessing and it has been a long hard road.

Aaliyah would have been one today and celebrating with her brothers, now she's in heaven celebrating from up above as she looks down upon all of us. I've learned a lot about myself over the last year and have learned that there is no true formula or recipe in how to deal with grief. It can hit you like a freight train at any time and you learn how to adapt and live with it.

Time in my opinion does  not make it better, you simply learn how to deal with grief so it does not paralyze you. I see her in her brothers, I see her in my dreams, I feel her every single moment of the day. I know she's with me but I won't lie, I long to hold her again in my arms and feel her tiny fingers touching my face. It makes me happy when I see fathers out with their daughters in public and I want to rush to them and tell them to take advantage of every opportunity they have with their child. However, there is that human part of me that wishes my baby girl was with me so that I could protect her and watch her grow into a beautiful young woman.

Please don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to have these two beautiful boys in our life and what they have brought to our family. Aiden and Adley are absolutely amazing and their smiles alone can light up a room. Watching them grow over the past year and watching their personalities develop has been a true blessing. It's weird though at times you can tell they both look around as if something is amiss.  Maybe as a parent I am over analyzing it, but it's a strong feeling that they simply know something is not complete. There are times when each of them looks above and starts to smile and I believe they can see their sister waving from above.

The kids were born at 9:15am, 9:17am, and 9:19am and today both of them starting at 9:15am simply started to cry. They had been fed and were content up until that point when they simply started to cry in a way that was uncharacteristic. It was as if they felt what Amber and I felt during those exact times.

As a family we've been lucky to have the support of our family and friends throughout this time and are better parents because of it.

Happy Birthday Aiden and Adley, watching you two grow has brought us so much joy and I have a feeling that it's going to continue being entertaining!!

Happy Birthday Aaliyah, I can picture you playing in heaven and laughing at your brothers, just know that you are always with us in everything that we do because you live in our hearts forever...

Princess Aaliyah

It's been a little over three months now since we lost our baby girl and while people say it will get easier, I don't really think that's the case. You just simply find ways to learn how to live with it. I believe in God and I take solace in the fact that she's with God watching over all of us. The loss of a child brings along with it a pain that is indescribable. I find it amusing when people tell me that she was only 13 weeks old, so you really didn't know her. How is that supposed to make me feel better? I spent almost every night with her in that hospital telling her our life story. I have yet to sit down and really talk about or write about that night, so I found it fitting that my first post on this blog would be about my Princess.

Princess Aaliyah Justice Elkadi is our own personal Angel and a day doesn't go by where I don't think about her and miss her tremendously. Aaliyah was born with Aiden and Adley, she was the oldest of our triplets.

Necrotizing Entercolotis (NEC) is what she was diagnosed with just 8 days after she was born. Our little Angel had seven good days and then she spent the remaining months fighting for her life. She never cried, she gave us beautiful smiles and showed each of us what true courage is.

It was August 23rd and I was spending another night in the hospital which had become normal since the time the babies were born on June 5th. I had picked up my dad from the airport and taken him home and then was up at the NICU by 1 am. I walked up to my princess, looked into her eyes and saw that she was tired. It was like she was telling me that she tried her best but she just couldn't do it any longer. I shook off the feeling holding out hope for the miracle that we had been praying for. Around 4am the worst day of our lives officially started. Aaliyah had another seizure but this was the worst one yet. I sat there and watched as the doctors gave her adrenaline and CPR. She was still breathing but her heart rate was weak.

I knew I had to make the call that I was absolutely dreading. You see during the day Amber would spend time with Aaliyah while I was at home seeing the boys. We would see each other for dinner and then I would spend the evening with Aaliyah while Amber stayed with Aiden and Adley. I called her and she knew right away that something wasn't right. She made it to the hospital quickly and we sat together holding our daughter in our arms. The doctors said that when the adrenaline wears off, her heart will simply stop.

Amber and I had her unhooked from all the machines and IVs and held her tight. We told her how much we loved her, I apologized that as her father, her protector I could not do more to keep her with us. She was so weak and had this faraway look in her eyes. It was as if she was looking into the heavens and hearing her name called. My father showed up at 5:36 and came over to where we were holding her. The minute he reached us and laid his hand on her head, Aaliyah's beautiful little heart came to a stop. It was as if my little girl knew that she couldn't leave this world without feeling the loving touch of her Grandfather, she was his first granddaughter and the first girl born into our Elkadi family.

 I've spent years watching shows where the doctors call out time of death and have never thought twice about it. Her doctor, called out "time of death, 5:37 am". Those words continue to reverberate in my head on a daily basis.

We held her tight and simply did not want to let go. I vaguely remember hospital administrators asking for my signature on meaningless documents while I was holding my child. I was sad, mad, hurt, devastated, and a plethora of other emotions that I think would need its own blog to describe.

Amber and I left that day as two different people and we knew that our lives would be changed forever.  I feel Aaliyah's presence every single day and every night before bed I step outside and look up at the stars. I tell her how much I miss her, how much I love her and probably a funny story or two about her brothers. I know that it probably sounds strange but it makes me feel connected to her and that somehow she's still with me. I carry her with me in my heart every minute of the day. Some days the sadness of losing her hits me like a freight train and paralyzes me with grief but the courage she displayed helps me forge ahead in this journey we call life.

If you've read this and have a child, please take a moment to reach out and tell them how much you love them because I know I will never take my loved ones for granted ever again.

Princess Aaliyah, I miss holding you in my arms and we will never have our father/daughter dance, or walk you down the aisle, but you will always live in my heart so that I can hold you close forever.......

P.S. I will talk to you tomorrow night before bed sweetheart, same spot, same time, same star.....